Sunday, November 29, 2020

Fabulous Lives of Totally Irrelevant People

I thought I’ll leave this script out here in case someone wants to do an avant-garde film of our pointless, poorly-dressed lives. 



Some snippets of conversations in 2020.

“What shall we have for breakfast?”

--mostly stoic silence response--

“You think we should have lunch?”

“I just cleared the kitchen sink. We can gulp air for lunch.”

“What’s for dinner?”

“Something edible.”

“Who has Maggie for breakfast?”

“Granola and soya milk on this cold morning? Or Maggie with chilli sauce?”

"Good idea. Add some mashed potatoes."

“Did the sun come up at all today?”

“Someone has tweeted that Boris Johnson has a bedpan face” bwahhahahaha

“Why has it become dark already? It’s not even bloody 4pm.”

“Is it fog or have the windows fucking steamed up again?”

“Where ARE my specs?”

“That carrot soup tastes like puke.”

“Did you hear that?”

“Yeah it’s the floorboards.”

“That was my knee joint dammit.”

“You think he’s really going to do a coup?”

“They’re too soft on him. What he needs is a proper beating with an old broom. The way we thrash cockroaches.”

“S, just listen to this talk on 5G and IoT”

“Sure. Only its FUCKING SATURDAY NIGHT. Wait, wow. Is that the latency rate in a 5G n/w?”

“How come you're wearing such a nice party dress early in the morning?”

“All pyjamas are in the washing machine.”

“It’ll be the last day of earth…aliens will be hovering right outside in their flying saucers blitzing everything with lasers. All houses around razed to rubble. The lasers will now point inside our house also. But still I will say wait, wait, let me wipe down the counter and sink.”

“I guess I’ll order pizza then.”

“What’s the date today?”

“Who cares?”

“Is it Wednesday or Thursday?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yeah trash collection.”

“The dryer is shrinking all the clothes. Bloody thing.”

“It could be that we are getting bigger.”

“It’s the dryer. It’s the dryer.”

“This only is called manufactured truth.”

“Do you want the badusha or not?”

“Just now only the kitchen sink was empty. I turn around and suddenly 10 cups are inside it . I tell you it's black magic in this house.”

Internet search: “How to replace elastic in a waistband”

Internet search: “Badusha recipe”

Internet search: “Shani stotras”

Internet search: “K-means clustering”

Internet search: “Point-blank range impacts”

Internet search: “Morgues in India”

Internet search: “Child psychopathy”

Internet search: “Hyperloop”

Internet search: “Fahadh Faasil movies”

Internet search: “Online Malayalam tutorials”

Internet search: “How to replace smashed iPhone screens?”

Internet search: “iPhone screen repairs near me”

Internet search: “Reusing candle jars”

Internet search: “How to repair saree blouse?”

Internet search: "How to stitch your own saree blouse?"

Internet search: “How to cut your own hair?”

Internet search: “How to cut your own hair properly?”

Internet search: “How to cut your own hair properly in layers?”

Internet search: “How to cut your own hair properly in layers Indian hair?”

Whatsapp conversations…mostly on the lines of …

‘OMG you must read <book names>’.

‘Prepped veggies for the next 2-3 days.’

‘Can’t believe so many people I know are actually assholes and I had no clue.’ 

‘Badusha became a bit chewy instead of flaky.’

‘Still we are eating and eating and it’s not getting over only.’

‘Have some critical severity bugs to close today.’

‘Bought another Instant Pot on this sale.’

‘Tech stocks are a bit volatile at the moment.’

‘I shampooed the carpet on the stairs.’

‘Have you tried coconut sugar?’

‘Who is this Ananya Pandey?’   

'I used to have a huge crush on Hugh Grant. Now it looks like he has come out of my dryer. So many wrinkles.'

'Abba did you see Nicole Kidman?'

'Face smooth like my kitchen counter.'

Everyday Skype conversations with rebellious father:

‘Appa I hope you are wearing mask whenever you are going out. I have my own suspicions.’

‘No, no don't worry. Otherwise they put fine.’

‘Good.’

‘I went to the bank today. It was so crowded that we were all literally hugging each other.’

‘Aiyoo Ramachandra! Why the bank visit?’

‘Just like that. I wanted to get my passbook updated.’

‘Appa!!! it’s all online.’

‘You never know with these bolimaklu. See how many banks are collapsing. By the way I met that <friend> while strolling in the market.’

‘I hope you had your mask.’

‘I had to remove it because the bakery Maama asked me to smell the fresh puliyogre gojju.’

‘Appaaaaah!’

‘I think you are too stressed. You should have ashwagandha.’

Romantic evening conversations –

“What are you watching?”

“Aircraft Investigation. See in this case that wing—”

“Whatever.”

“What are you watching?”

“Great British Bake Off”

“Whatever. Wait, what’s that?”

“Chocolate babka. Sit. The showstopper round hasn’t started yet.”

“What are you watching?”

“Kennedy assassination tapes.”

“Can we watch something peaceful?”

“Uff! Anyway you won’t see no because you are playing stupid online chess.”

“But still I can hear no.”

“I’m putting this nature documentary then.”

--After sometime husband is jolted--

“Oh baba! What are you watching now?”

“Deadly Reptiles. See this is the stunning Mozambique spitting cobra. It can spit its venom—”

“Change change change! Can we see something nice and cheerful?”

--After some time husband is jolted–

‘Which movie is this?”

‘It’s a reality show.’

‘Is that Arjun Kapoor?’

‘Yes.’

‘Did he actually call that lady an asshole? That too in front of a kid? What’s wrong with him?’

‘Yes. But he said like that out of love and affection. That lady is his uncle’s wife.’

‘WHAT?’

‘That kid is her son.’

‘WHAT?’

--On TV the posh lady screams ‘Asshole’--

‘Can we go back to the spitting cobra?’

‘Sure.’


 © Sumana Khan 20fucking20


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