Friday, March 23, 2012

Agent Vs Spy


I was trying to catch up on the budget on an online news portal, but the highlights were well tucked away amidst folds of other important news. News such as the naming of a certain baby, or the showing of a certain boobie. But the news that did catch my attention was Saifu talking about one agent Vinod. ‘Whom did he punch now?’ I mused as I perused the article. I realized Agent Vinod is a movie title. In the interview Saifu vehemently denied that this Vinod fellow is a copy of James Bond. I heaved a sigh of relief. After all Bond is a childhood sweetheart, and I jealously guard this first love with all the schizophrenia I can muster.

Saifu then nonchalantly went on to add that in fact, Agent Vinod can kick Bond and Bourne in their respective asses. I suppose it is true. Let us leave Bourne out of the equation – that bloke has memory problems, and does not even have the common sense to tattoo messages on his body to remember things by and by.

Coming to Bond, it is true that this philandering, delectable sociopath has massive drawbacks compared to an Indian counterpart. Don’t believe me? Read on and I’ll prove it.

Ladies first. See in all these spy movies and thrillers etc. ladies play a prominent role. More often than not, they are the baddie’s girlfriends or some random character seeking revenge against baddie. But girls are girls apparently...emotional and all that – so they end up being pawns in the hands of the spies, and leak vital information like a malfunctioning LPG cylinder – all for laaoove.

In case of Bond, it is too easy. All he has to say is ‘Bond...James Bond’ and before you can suck the cola up the straw, the lady has cast off the slinky evening gown. No time wasted there. What else can you expect from women who call themselves Kissy Suzuki or Honey Rider?

But for our Indian agents – it is too difficult to win over the ladies. Yes, yes the women reveal more skin in sarees and lehangas than one would in an evening gown, and yes, yes they sing songs laden with sexual innuendo but the line is drawn there. The Indian spy can never get her to pour out information unless he joins in and sings with her and matches the dance step by step. Even after that, there are several ways the lady might test the spy’s commitment. Only when she is fully convinced that the spy can vouch for a 7 re-birth commitment, will she pass on meaningful information. See how tough things are for our Indian spies?

Now let’s see the villains. In Bond movies, the villains are so easily spotted that it is ridiculous. First of all they go about with evil-sounding names like Goldfinger and Dr.No and Scaramanga. They are usually the quiet guys with some obsession or abnormality. Like bleeding eyes, or bullet in medulla oblongata. And usually they are always after some nuclear thingie and motive is always world domination. But the biggest clue is their side kicks – yeeahup. If a character is accompanied by another abnormal character with names such as Oddjob or Tee Hee Johnson...that’s our villain.

No such luck for our Indian spies because the villains are masters at being discrete. They go with a bland name such as ‘Don’. And such ‘dons’ are so surefooted that they openly declare that it is not only difficult to catch them, but it is impossible. This statement itself is a massive deterrent, and any spy with lesser determination will just curl up and go back to sleep...I mean what’s the point if the don himself has told this? On top of that, these dons are wily creatures – masters of camouflage and the art-of-blending in. See in a night club, a firang don would sit in a dark corner looking around in a slimy way right? This behaviour draws suspicion naturally. But our dons are not like that – they just jump into the thick of things literally. If there is a dance floor, they take on the centre stage – singing and dancing like there’s no tomorrow. Yeah, and what’s more, the lyrics also are very discrete – like repeatedly saying ‘I am don, I am don, recognise me recognise me’. You spot the reverse psychology here? A bad villain will deny the crime, a good villain will keep quiet, but only the best will proclaim the crime. Ergo, you will think ‘who is so foolish to declare criminal intent and identity?’ and deduce that the singing don is an innocuous, vacuous red herring. Quite naturally the plot thickens and things become tougher for our spies. ..I mean who can spot such discrete baddies?

Moreover, for Bond the villain can be anywhere in the world, and he travels to all exotic places like Turkey, Jamaica, Ukraine and so on. No such luck for our Indian spies – poor fellows. All missions start and end in Karachi. See how difficult it is to get motivated to do the job?

And finally, all those gizmos and toys at Bond’s disposal; absolute tosh if you ask me. Cameras in buttons, dynamite triggers in ballpoint pens, disappearing cars; no wonder Bond can do his job so easily. In how many movies have you seen Bond out of his suit during a fight scene? Not a hair out of place because the Walther PPK would have done the job. But see our poor Indian spies. Only now they are allowed SUVs...earlier all car chases were in the Ambassador at a dizzy 30 kmph speed. And guns are useless against our dangerous villains. They are left with only one option – to take off their shirts and fight bare-chested....asli mai ka laals.

I did think of catching up with Agent Vinod – if not for anything, I was curious to see if he has his chai shaken but not stirred. But an acidic review informed me that Agent Vinod drinks beer. Ptcha! 

© Sumana Khan - 2012


  1. "I am don, I am don, recognize me recognize me" ROFL!
    You saved me. We were planning to go tomorrow. No, wait a second. On second thoughts, we should go. It will be super fun.
    Well, coming from the director who made brilliant movies like Ek Hasina Thi and Johnny Gaddar, I had hopes for this. Alas!

  2. Aww i think the reviewer had no sense of humour. Am sure the movie will be fun..and all stylish and slick. you must watch it...and let me know :)

  3. Hilarious take! And I like the new blog background.

  4. ROFL at "After all Bond is a childhood sweetheart, and I jealously guard this first love with all the schizophrenia I can muster"

    Super take on A'Gent Vinod!

    I think it would be a good option to read your 'preview' before going to the theatre. If the movie is not entertaining, we can remember the blog and enjoy the movie ;-)

  5. Lol. Very well written. I would read more reviews like this rather than watch the movie.
    I like your caustic tongue.

  6. Hahaha, you are hilarious!! :-D