My career options


Courtesy - http://www.007magazine.co.uk/

A good friend of mine came up with his wish-list of alternate career options. All sensible and robust just like him. http://milcote.wordpress.com/2010/07/15/is-being-one-professional-unprofessional/

That got me thinking. Right now, I don’t have a career. I pretend to be a writer. So what would my options look like? No one has accused me of being sensible, robust or intelligent for that matter. So my options might seem a bit flamboyant for you snooty buggers. But I assure you, by the end of the post, you will sense the smell of success.

I always had a strange ambition – I wanted to design the opening credits for James Bond movies. I am creative that way. Especially now with Windows Move Maker, I can slap a couple of pictures or video frames together, shove in a song, and viola! Not convinced? There was a contest where we had to design an ad for selling a perfume that smells like fish. I won the first place. What’s that? No...I think you made up that word. I don’t know any word that goes m-o-d-e-s-t. My perfume was called Azfixation. And the byline was Go Spray. I’ll have you know this was done in powerpoint. You want to see the ad, drop a message. I also designed an ad in support of working from home. My appraisal went southward. If you want to see this masterpiece, drop a msg.

Anyway I know Barbara very well. Arre Barbara Broccolli...not Bush. (If you don’t know the connection between Brocolli and Bond, chances are you are not my favourite person. How about getting the hell out of my blog?) The small problem is that Barbara does not know me at all. I believe if she sees some of my powerpoint presentations that was done under duress of employment, she will instantly appreciate that I have overactive imagination. Till that happens, I have a few other ideas.

I can perhaps become a Costume Designer for Bollywood movies (specializing in costumes for women). I have it all figured out...and I just can’t go wrong.

1) If the heroine’s role is that of an NRI/rich khandaan/vamp I have to raid a five year old girl’s wardrobe. I can use the same frocks and petticoats. That is the most popular trend right now.

2) If heroine is ‘middle-class’ simple girl, then I will buy chicken-work cotton salwaars from Jayanagar 4th block complex. Hairstyle is always a simple ponytail.

3) Poor/Middle class mothers are always in cotton sarees. Always one plait or a bun tied at the nape of the neck.

4) Rich mothers are allowed a chic bob, printed silk sarees. Bad mothers should have my husband’s hairstyle - (I think his barber uses a lawn mower). Also bad mothers have to be in sleeveless blouses.

Remix Creation

Remix is the decent word for taking a soulful old number and giving it a vulgar spin. Still, it takes creativity.

1) Firstly, I will select a sweet song. Hmm...how about my favourite – Pyaar Maanga hai tumhi se (na inkaar karo).

2) Next, the video. The trick is to make the video very hot. So perhaps place an antique bath tub in open air? Have a nubile young thing splash about. Have a handsome hunk loiter around singing the song as the lady studies the bath foam.

3) The tempo of the song has to be altered. Have a bass thump in a 1-2 1-2-2 1-2 sequence. Add on some electric guitar lead chords. It’s okay if it does not gel with the video – it should sound good in the disco. Perhaps a saxophone overture when the lady decides to ‘towel the torso’ as PGW says.

4) Give a naughty remix name – like they have Baby Doll remix, DJ Someone remix etc. I’m thinking Galeej remix (inspired by local rock group Galeej Gurus).

5) I will get the help of errr...a brotha from anotha motha for the hip hop touch. For example, the song can start off with this dude saying ‘Uh huh Uh huh...yea...yea’. Ease into the song. Have a lady whisper along with the chorus. Perhaps sigh. Before the first verse, include a rap by the brotha. No need for the words to make sense or gel with the song. So it would go something like this –

Uh-huh Uh-huh Yea yea (repeat 4 times)

Song starts –

Pyaar maanga hai tum hi se

(whispers – sssss ssss SIGH)

Na inkaar karo

(ssssss ssssss SIGH)

Got the drift right? For the rap I can shove in anything, as long as it rhymes and it is really fast.

Who’s da man
Baby who’s da man
Didja see mah sun tan
I can push the van
Yes I am a watercan
Uh uh uh yehhhhhhhhh

Got it? Easy peesy.

Meanwhile, since I have all the time in the world, I can represent any outraged community. I already have the pre-requisite to do that...I’m a wiseass.

Ooh! I can become a news reporter. I just have to scream while reporting a non-news. And I just have to stare at everyone I interview with an accusing eye. Also, I must not allow the other person to talk during the interview. I have plenty of experience in that area too. Ask my ex-boss.

Any other suggestions?

Comments

  1. An excellent read. I really liked the concept of the remix video. No idea how many videos have been made with this concept. But the best part, they still sell.

    Also we could translate the lyrics into English. Say for instance:

    All I need is your love
    Please don't deny me that
    Come sit near me for a while
    With the door behind you shut

    How wonderful is this night
    Dressed like a lovely bride
    .... and so on and so on ...

    And last but not the least, thanks for the credits :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hilarious! I got a kick out of this! Cant wait to pen down my alternate career options :-)

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  3. Wow all I can say is that you are a great writer! Where can I contact you if I want to hire you?

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  4. @Anonymous - yeh right! LMAO!

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  5. I guess you'll want to put a twitter icon to your site. Just marked down this site, however I must complete this by hand. Just my $.02 :)

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  6. @Anon...tweet icon is there just after the post, and also on the right hand pane. thanks for stopping by :)

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  7. Ha! Ha! Ha!
    That was hilarious!

    Back in the fifties, we had nonsense verse like Eena Meena Deeka and teachers and elders would frown sternly if we were caught humming this song or other songs like Laal Laal Gaal.

    Sometime in the seventies I used to hear Kishore Kumar yodelling
    Turu ruru Turu ruru
    Tera Mera Pyaar shuru

    And I also recall the Rishi Kapoor Neetu Singh pair crooning
    Pyaar ka Vaada
    fifty fifty
    Aadhaa Aadha
    fifty fifty!

    I have heard of stand up comedy.
    What you wrote today is perhaps Write Down comedy.

    Keep penning away'
    Am lapping it all up.
    Regards
    GV

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't know how I missed this comment GVjee! How have you been?

      Delete
  8. You forgot the big shades that rich women of different age groups wear!

    Fun all the way.

    Joy always,
    Susan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes! and now that's back in fashion it seems!

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  9. Hello Sumana,

    I apologise reading this blog so late... I actually thought it'll be some serious stuff...

    But I must say you have a flair for "Hilarious". I loved the remix... you should try it... and you might just become a remix wonder..

    Have had great time reading your blog... write on I say...

    ReplyDelete

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