|Courtesy - http://www.007magazine.co.uk/|
A good friend of mine came up with his wish-list of alternate career options. All sensible and robust just like him. http://milcote.wordpress.com/2010/07/15/is-being-one-professional-unprofessional/
That got me thinking. Right now, I don’t have a career. I pretend to be a writer. So what would my options look like? No one has accused me of being sensible, robust or intelligent for that matter. So my options might seem a bit flamboyant for you snooty buggers. But I assure you, by the end of the post, you will sense the smell of success.
I always had a strange ambition – I wanted to design the opening credits for James Bond movies. I am creative that way. Especially now with Windows Move Maker, I can slap a couple of pictures or video frames together, shove in a song, and viola! Not convinced? There was a contest where we had to design an ad for selling a perfume that smells like fish. I won the first place. What’s that? No...I think you made up that word. I don’t know any word that goes m-o-d-e-s-t. My perfume was called Azfixation. And the byline was Go Spray. I’ll have you know this was done in powerpoint. You want to see the ad, drop a message. I also designed an ad in support of working from home. My appraisal went southward. If you want to see this masterpiece, drop a msg.
Anyway I know Barbara very well. Arre Barbara Broccolli...not Bush. (If you don’t know the connection between Brocolli and Bond, chances are you are not my favourite person. How about getting the hell out of my blog?) The small problem is that Barbara does not know me at all. I believe if she sees some of my powerpoint presentations that was done under duress of employment, she will instantly appreciate that I have overactive imagination. Till that happens, I have a few other ideas.
I can perhaps become a Costume Designer for Bollywood movies (specializing in costumes for women). I have it all figured out...and I just can’t go wrong.
1) If the heroine’s role is that of an NRI/rich khandaan/vamp I have to raid a five year old girl’s wardrobe. I can use the same frocks and petticoats. That is the most popular trend right now.
2) If heroine is ‘middle-class’ simple girl, then I will buy chicken-work cotton salwaars from Jayanagar 4th block complex. Hairstyle is always a simple ponytail.
3) Poor/Middle class mothers are always in cotton sarees. Always one plait or a bun tied at the nape of the neck.
4) Rich mothers are allowed a chic bob, printed silk sarees. Bad mothers should have my husband’s hairstyle - (I think his barber uses a lawn mower). Also bad mothers have to be in sleeveless blouses.
Remix is the decent word for taking a soulful old number and giving it a vulgar spin. Still, it takes creativity.
1) Firstly, I will select a sweet song. Hmm...how about my favourite – Pyaar Maanga hai tumhi se (na inkaar karo).
2) Next, the video. The trick is to make the video very hot. So perhaps place an antique bath tub in open air? Have a nubile young thing splash about. Have a handsome hunk loiter around singing the song as the lady studies the bath foam.
3) The tempo of the song has to be altered. Have a bass thump in a 1-2 1-2-2 1-2 sequence. Add on some electric guitar lead chords. It’s okay if it does not gel with the video – it should sound good in the disco. Perhaps a saxophone overture when the lady decides to ‘towel the torso’ as PGW says.
4) Give a naughty remix name – like they have Baby Doll remix, DJ Someone remix etc. I’m thinking Galeej remix (inspired by local rock group Galeej Gurus).
5) I will get the help of errr...a brotha from anotha motha for the hip hop touch. For example, the song can start off with this dude saying ‘Uh huh Uh huh...yea...yea’. Ease into the song. Have a lady whisper along with the chorus. Perhaps sigh. Before the first verse, include a rap by the brotha. No need for the words to make sense or gel with the song. So it would go something like this –
Uh-huh Uh-huh Yea yea (repeat 4 times)
Song starts –
Pyaar maanga hai tum hi se
(whispers – sssss ssss SIGH)
Na inkaar karo
(ssssss ssssss SIGH)
Got the drift right? For the rap I can shove in anything, as long as it rhymes and it is really fast.
Who’s da man
Baby who’s da man
Didja see mah sun tan
I can push the van
Yes I am a watercan
Uh uh uh yehhhhhhhhh
Got it? Easy peesy.
Meanwhile, since I have all the time in the world, I can represent any outraged community. I already have the pre-requisite to do that...I’m a wiseass.
Ooh! I can become a news reporter. I just have to scream while reporting a non-news. And I just have to stare at everyone I interview with an accusing eye. Also, I must not allow the other person to talk during the interview. I have plenty of experience in that area too. Ask my ex-boss.
Any other suggestions?