I thought I’ll leave this script out here in case someone wants to do an avant-garde film of our pointless, poorly-dressed lives.
Some snippets of conversations in 2020.
“What shall we have for
breakfast?”
--mostly stoic silence response--
“You think we should have lunch?”
“I just cleared the kitchen
sink. We can gulp air for lunch.”
“What’s for dinner?”
“Something edible.”
“Who has Maggie for breakfast?”
“Granola and soya milk on this
cold morning? Or Maggie with chilli sauce?”
"Good idea. Add some mashed potatoes."
“Did the sun come up at all today?”
“Someone has tweeted that
Boris Johnson has a bedpan face” bwahhahahaha
“Why has it become dark
already? It’s not even bloody 4pm.”
“Is it fog or have the windows
fucking steamed up again?”
“Where ARE my specs?”
“That carrot soup tastes like
puke.”
“Did you hear that?”
“Yeah it’s the floorboards.”
“That was my knee joint dammit.”
“You think he’s really going
to do a coup?”
“They’re too soft on him. What
he needs is a proper beating with an old broom. The way we thrash cockroaches.”
“S, just listen to this talk on 5G
and IoT”
“Sure. Only its FUCKING SATURDAY
NIGHT. Wait, wow. Is that the latency rate in a 5G n/w?”
“How come you're wearing such
a nice party dress early in the morning?”
“All pyjamas are in the washing machine.”
“It’ll be the last day of
earth…aliens will be hovering right outside in their flying saucers blitzing everything
with lasers. All houses around razed to rubble. The lasers will now point
inside our house also. But still I will say wait, wait, let me wipe down the
counter and sink.”
“I guess I’ll order pizza then.”
“What’s the date today?”
“Who cares?”
“Is it Wednesday or Thursday?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yeah trash collection.”
“The dryer is shrinking all
the clothes. Bloody thing.”
“It could be that we are
getting bigger.”
“It’s the dryer. It’s the dryer.”
“This only is called manufactured truth.”
“Do you want the badusha or not?”
“Just now only the kitchen
sink was empty. I turn around and suddenly 10 cups are inside it . I tell you it's black magic in this house.”
Internet search: “How to
replace elastic in a waistband”
Internet search: “Badusha
recipe”
Internet search: “Shani
stotras”
Internet search: “K-means
clustering”
Internet search: “Point-blank
range impacts”
Internet search: “Morgues in
India”
Internet search: “Child
psychopathy”
Internet search: “Hyperloop”
Internet search: “Fahadh
Faasil movies”
Internet search: “Online
Malayalam tutorials”
Internet search: “How to replace
smashed iPhone screens?”
Internet search: “iPhone
screen repairs near me”
Internet search: “Reusing candle
jars”
Internet search: “How to
repair saree blouse?”
Internet search: "How to stitch your own saree blouse?"
Internet search: “How to cut
your own hair?”
Internet search: “How to cut
your own hair properly?”
Internet search: “How to cut
your own hair properly in layers?”
Internet search: “How to cut
your own hair properly in layers Indian hair?”
Whatsapp conversations…mostly
on the lines of …
‘OMG you must read <book
names>’.
‘Prepped veggies for the next
2-3 days.’
‘Can’t believe so many people I know are actually assholes and I had no clue.’
‘Badusha became a bit chewy
instead of flaky.’
‘Still we are eating and
eating and it’s not getting over only.’
‘Have some critical severity
bugs to close today.’
‘Bought another Instant Pot on
this sale.’
‘Tech stocks are a bit
volatile at the moment.’
‘I shampooed the carpet on the
stairs.’
‘Have you tried coconut sugar?’
‘Who is this Ananya Pandey?’
'I used to have a huge crush on Hugh Grant. Now it looks like he has come out of my dryer. So many wrinkles.'
'Abba did you see Nicole Kidman?'
'Face smooth like my kitchen counter.'
Everyday Skype conversations with rebellious father:
‘Appa I hope you are wearing
mask whenever you are going out. I have my own suspicions.’
‘No, no don't worry. Otherwise they put fine.’
‘Good.’
‘I went to the bank today. It was
so crowded that we were all literally hugging each other.’
‘Aiyoo Ramachandra! Why the
bank visit?’
‘Just like that. I wanted to
get my passbook updated.’
‘Appa!!! it’s all online.’
‘You never know with these bolimaklu.
See how many banks are collapsing. By the way I met that <friend> while
strolling in the market.’
‘I hope you had your mask.’
‘I had to remove it because the
bakery Maama asked me to smell the fresh puliyogre gojju.’
‘Appaaaaah!’
‘I think you are too stressed.
You should have ashwagandha.’
Romantic evening conversations
–
“What are you watching?”
“Aircraft Investigation. See
in this case that wing—”
“Whatever.”
“What are you watching?”
“Great British Bake Off”
“Whatever. Wait, what’s that?”
“Chocolate babka. Sit. The
showstopper round hasn’t started yet.”
“What are you watching?”
“Kennedy assassination tapes.”
“Can we watch something
peaceful?”
“Uff! Anyway you won’t see no
because you are playing stupid online chess.”
“But still I can hear no.”
“I’m putting this nature documentary
then.”
--After sometime husband is
jolted--
“Oh baba! What are you
watching now?”
“Deadly Reptiles. See this is
the stunning Mozambique spitting cobra. It can spit its venom—”
“Change change change! Can we
see something nice and cheerful?”
--After some time husband is
jolted–
‘Which movie is this?”
‘It’s a reality show.’
‘Is that Arjun Kapoor?’
‘Yes.’
‘Did he actually call that
lady an asshole? That too in front of a kid? What’s wrong with him?’
‘Yes. But he said like that out of
love and affection. That lady is his uncle’s wife.’
‘WHAT?’
‘That kid is her son.’
‘WHAT?’
--On TV the posh lady screams ‘Asshole’--
‘Can we go back to the
spitting cobra?’
‘Sure.’
© Sumana Khan 20fucking20